A Rose by Any Other Name Would be just as Scaly

With the 2012 presidential election at the forefront of everyone’s mind let’s consider the cast of characters from the red team. Herman Cain (the Black one), Gary Johnson (the Liberal Republican), Fred Karger (the Gay one), Tom Miller (the non-politician, politician), Ron Paul (the old one,), Tim Pawlenty (Also known by his rap handle T-Paw), Mitt Romney (The Mormon, also the one who will run at the last minute), Rick Santorum  (the former senator, not the sexual byproduct) and Vern Wuensche (Go ahead and try to pronounce that last name). Who am I forgetting? Oh right, Newt Gingrich (the former Speaker of the house). Now, let’s forget about his qualifications for a moment; lets forget he was the 58^th speaker of the House of Representatives, let’s forget he was voted Time magazine’s person of the year in 1995 for leading the “Republican revolution,” successfully ending the rebel alliance (I mean the majority Democrats held in the house for forty years). Let’s forget all that, and talk about what really matters, his name.

Political differences aside, do American’s want a president named Newt? Granted, obscure presidential names seem to be trendy (thank you Mr Obama), Do Americans want a president named after a salamander? What’s worse, Newt Gingrich isn’t that far from being considered an actual salamander. Salamanders regenerate limbs, Newt Gingrich Regenerates marriages. Salamanders produce toxins to protect against predators, Newt Gingrich Shuts down the government (remember 1995 and 1996) when he feels threatened.  Salamanders are against Obama’s secular socialist machine and so is Newt. The similarities are uncanny; in fact, I think Newt Gingrich should be made to produce a birth certificate proving he’s not a salamander from the third dimension Salamandon. How else are Americans supposed to know the difference between viable candidates, socialists, and angry salamanders attempting a hostile take over after winning the 2012 elections? And if these Salamanders do take over, would they allow gay marriage? Or worse, would these salamanders attempt to overthrow the wholesome Christian values America was founded upon? Are they Muslim!!!! Certainly they’d be in favor of a privatized healthcare system, as they regenerate their own limbs. In any event, with so much variety in names, platforms, and species, 2012 promises to be an interesting election year.